Apathy’s Friendship.

June 16, 2008

i don’t usually advocate apathy in any situation or circumstance; yet in my current position i have learnt to find a certain sense of comfort in apathy…? Or at least i feel this is apathy. it’s not apathy borne out of indifference, it’s more like apathy as a defence mechanism to protect myself from disappointment, paranoia, hurt. it’s not easy to muster up this feeling of apathy for such a purpose… it involves a lot of hope & faith – hope that i won’t be hurt, betrayed or let down. yet hope – as we all know or seems like the case to me – is a feeling that is void of any form of assurance and that’s where faith comes in, the constant reminder to myself that i should believe that i am right in hoping and in believing… ah, it seems like such an intricate process. yet thinking about this and putting this in words helps me to be apathetic and helps take my mind off the otherwise suffocating worries that choke the very crevices of my mind and heart!

i am such an emotional wreck… thankfully i have God with me, that if nothing else i hope and have faith in Him… that if anything should fail He will catch me, and He will reveal things to me so that i will not be cheated or betrayed.

long distance relationships are hard… i can see why being ‘in love’ as a feeling, as an explosion of emotions cannot sustain a relationship… it is as C.S. Lewis said, that only love truly cultivated by habit, by will, by the willingness to be responsible for another can keep a relationship’s engine running.